star10208’s blog

This week been pretty good. I am housesitting for 10 days and taking care of a dog. It's been okay, but I'm a bit lonely. I've been thinking about how I've never really lived alone (even in NI) and haven't ever had to budget my money for every expense, so I'm a little worried about it. But being here alone has made me realize that I don't ever want to live alone! But I am excited to get our own place once Colin and I are married! I also got sick on wednesday and am still sick- which also sucks when you are alone! I had a second interview for the job I really want. I felt like I got mixed messages from the lady, so I have no idea what to think about it. I'm still hoping I will get it! It would be such a great job on so many levels. I am so tired of doing applications and not having a consistent job with enough hours.... so we'll see. Also- the wedding stuff has been put on hold due to the venue charging like $900 more than what we were quoted- so I was completely stressed out about that. I got an email back today saying they were adjusting the prices, so it looks like we will be getting it for what we were quoted for, which is a huge blessing. I didn't think they would actually go down, so I guess we will be having our big wedding on July 23, 2009. I've also been thinking more about grad school- and have been looking into different programs. I'm still not sure what is best for me.... so that is still in progress!

This past week I've been rethinking a lot of things- mostly for future stuff. I'm almost completely decided to hold off on grad school for another year. I think it will make things a lot easier and help the transition into marriage, esp. with all of the visa stuff- a bit smoother. Hopefully. The job thing is just not happening and it's getting to the point where I won't have the experience I need to get into the program I want. Plus, I have like only four weeks to get all of my apps done, essays done, recommendation letters done, and GRE done with good scores. I just don't see it happening, or happening with a half-assed, sloppy effort. Not my style. So I think it's the best decision for me now. We will stay in CO and save money, work, and hopefully Colin will get some more school done. I'm feeling a bit better about it all. I am rescheduling my test to sometime in the spring, so I will have ample time to study. So that's that. As for jobs, I am still waiting to hear back and hoping for something soon! 

There isn't a whole lot to update on. Things are relatively the same. I'm still looking for jobs. I had two good interviews last week, which I am hoping I get 2nd interviews for. I should know in about a week. One of the jobs is a Youth Workforce Specialist, which basically helps youth train and get jobs and college... I think. It wasn't explained that well- but that's basically it. It pays well and it would be fine until Aug. next year. 5 people interviewed me, plus I had to write three essays on top of that, so it was kind of intense. In a way I'm glad I have to interview a lot, because it is definitely getting me more comfortable interviewing, and I will need as much practice as I can get when (if) I interview for Grad school. I'm sure there will be a panel of people there so I hope I am getting prepared. The second interview is a great position. I applied thinking there was such a small chance of me getting called- the preferred someone with a Master's and some other stuff I didn't really have. I got a call after I had put it out of my mind. I was very nervous for this job, but I felt like it was one of my better interviews and the guy explained the position so well, which was helpful. It's called a Professional Research Assistant/Multi-systemic Therapist. Basically the job is working with 5-6 clients (youth) and their families in their natural environments and communities, including peers and schools. The hope is that these kids won't end up at residential treatment or if they have been in treatment- they can actually transition back and stay healthy... Just up my alley and what I have thought about treatment for a while now- esp. while I was at Excelsior. It pays well and would be perfect in terms of experience. It would definitely stretch me and it is an intimidating job, but there is a ton of training- at the start and ongoing and LOTS of support. The only problem I see is that I will have to commit to it for a year, which means I would have to put my PsyD program off for another year, or just do a Master's for the time being. I'm definitely considering it, especially as it might be better for me to have a consistent and well paid job our first year of marriage, to be able to stay in CO, and to have more time to do my essays, get experience, and take the GRE... and with the economy as it is, I might not even be able to get a loan if I need one.... so there's that. I'm really praying for the 2nd one. I have an interview tomorrow for a position with an organization my friend works at called Developmental Pathways, which works with developmentally disabled people, which I have no experience of and I don't feel very inclined to, but I will take all the experience I can get. It is working with the Early Intervention team, which works with families with infants to three years. So we'll see how that goes. In terms of Grad school- I am scheduled to take the GRE on the 18th... and the time is passing quickly. I'm almost positive I will have to take it again. There is so much to learn and review and I really screwed myself over by not doing it sooner. I won't have much time again in Nov, since Ill need to take it before the 12th. After that I'm not sure I can take it again in time for apps to be in... Hopefully it will all work out and Ill become amazingly brilliant on test day and somehow understand math and know a million obscure words that no one uses!... ya... we'll see. I'm also about to start volunteering on a research team at UCD about romantic relationships. It will take up my weekends (12-6 and 12-3 on sat and sun) but hopefully it will be worth it and bulk up my resume some more... I feel like I need all the help I can get! In terms of wedding, I'm talking to two photographers and meeting with them this month. I still need to call two caterers and meet with them and am trying to tie down the date and venue. Now we are thinking July 23. At this point- I don't even care when, I just want it set already! Aspen and Phoenix are coming to visit at the end of this month and she wants to do the invitations and STD stuff- so Ill basically need to know my theme and colors and everything, but it will be so nice to have those things out of the way and done. I'll hopefully get a lot of help from friends in making them, so it will hopefully go by fast. I found some good deals at Target on stuff. I really wanted sparklers, but they are illegal in Denver, so I got bubbles that were on sale at Target. They're okay. I also got the favor boxes on sale- which I want to have a Sweets Bar... so that might be that. I'm still thinking about other favors- if any??? I've also looked at bulk flowers and think I know what I'm doing for those and know what I'm doing for decorations and centerpieces and coming up with cake ideas (my mom and I are going to make it- so I'll need to be practicing my cake baking abilities this spring- I've been looking for recipes as well)... I've been looking for shoes and jewelry, but can't find anything :(  I have no idea about vows, or music, or dancing... at all. I'm really stuck about ceremony music, b/c it can't be amplified at all... so we'll have to come up with something creative.... and that is where the wedding stuff is. I've been missing Colin a lot lately. I really can't wait to be married. I was freaked out about being married at first- I'll admit, but now I just want to be with him. I wish the visa stuff would come through!!! I'm really excited for Nov in CA and in NI! I decided like a week ago that I was going to get serious about the weight and workout and diet thing (esp as I'm going to be in a wedding!) and I did pretty good this whole week. I've been walking Kodiak almost everyday and doing the elliptical and arms, legs, and abs too. I havent really seen much of a change. Yes it's been like a week and a half- but still! I'm hoping that I will start to lose the weight I want to lose! But I have lost like 13 pounds since this summer, so that is something! I just need to keep it up! anyway... that's all I can think of right now...

I still have not been employed- sadly. I'm still looking everyday and applying for whatever I find. I'm really ready to get into a job that helps me gain experience. I'm very thankful that I've been able to work with my mom, but we don't work enough hours. I've been pretty good about not spending a lot of money, so that helps... but still. I'm very stressed out about the future (esp. money). I'm also have a car dilemma. I drive one now that I've had since I was 16. Yes it's old and doesn't run like a new car, but it works just fine... except it didn't pass emissions by a little bit on one section. But we also don't know how to fix it. My sister gave me her Golf a year ago and it's been sitting in the driveway, since there are some things that need to be fixed on it- including the seatbelt (important I'd say). Aspen traded her old car for that one from a friend who was in the process of making into a car to race, so they changed the whole back end (tires and such) which need to be changed back, plus there are electrical problems and illegal tinting... so it def. needs some work. The plan was to fix it up and Colin could drive the one I am driving now, but with it not passing emissions and Jack not knowing how to really fix either- we don't know what to do with it all or what would be smarter (try to sell them both or put the work in?) Both are good quality cars, and Jack has guys he works with that work on cars, but it's not really on anyone's priority list to take care of it and I am clueless about what to do with cars... so I don't know what I'll be driving or what we will do about cars once we're married. So that's also on my mind.  Wedding stuff is in progress. I've been doing a TON of research and might just be able to book the place, caterer, and photographer within the next couple of weeks- which would make me very happy and hopefully feel less stressed out. I'm not sure I feel stressed out about it yet- I guess it's just a feeling of wanting it over and done with... It makes me sick how much it will cost, but I don't really know what to do to make it cheaper- we are already cutting costs in a lot of ways by having people do stuff for us- such as Aspen doing makeup, my mom and me doing the cake, invitations, decorations, etc... finding a inexpensive caterer... so not sure what else to do to reduce costs but still have a nice day? But I am really just ready to get things together and done. (and get married of course!!) There are just soo many details! As for school- I am closer to applying to grad schools. I'm really nervous I won't get in. I've been debating what I should do for a long time, but I think I am really just scared of rejection (and the job stuff def isnt helping that in any way!). I registered for my GRE which is in like 19 days and I am sooo not ready for it. I can take it again in Nov and Dec, but it's $140 and who wants to spend that 3 times?? not me! I am just so ready for next Aug to come- All of this planning, stressing, and waiting will be over and we will be on track and moving forward.

That's what I had today...

I am amazed by people who can come through the worst of life- and still function, but even more than that- they thrive. My first really personal experience of knowing someone and hearing them talk about their sexual abuse was from someone on of my Summer Serve teams. You would never have been able to tell that anything like that had happened. This person was so kind, funny, great to be around, had it together, and was thriving. The night they gave their testimony- I cried for an hour. I've never cried that hard for someone- ever. Working at Excelsior also brought me into contact with a lot of people who had been abused sexually. Most of the time they're fine, but you can definitely tell that it has damaged them, esp. one girl who was 15, but would have a flash-back and suddenly act like she was 2...  I still talk to one girl who left EYC a few months ago. She was/is my favorite. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever know. She is now in college in Colorado, so I get to see her a lot and I love that. She is beautiful, smart, generous, funny, talented, compassionate.... she was sexually abused in every possible way by her dad from the time she was 5 til she was 14... She was also molested by an uncle. She also has been raped and prostituted as a teenager. It's horrific... and you would never know it unless she told you. She did AP classes while she was in and out of hospitals. She got over 1400 on her SATs. She has so much going for her and has so much ahead of her. and everyday she struggles with just being alive and all of the thoughts, images, and feelings she has. She's attempted suicide. She has struggled with eating disorders. She cut for years... Last night she had a really bad night and we talked for a few hours... she just didnt want to do it anymore last night. She didnt want to deal with the feelings anymore. She told me that she feels disgusting and dirty every day of her life. She said she didnt want to get married- not that she was afraid of guys- but that she would never be able to have sex with her husband without all of the thoughts and feelings of her dad raping her. And she said she will never get better and it will never change... and I dont know if people can get better from all of that. She's Jewish, but she said she didn't know if she believed in God anymore- b.c how could He let that happen?? I said I didn't know...  But I told her that I believed Jesus could heal her ( and I really do believe He can) and so I'm hoping and praying that He will start to become more evident in her life and her story and begin to touch her and heal her in ways no amount of therapy or meds or reason could do.... It makes me sick that people can do that to other people- esp. their own children or family. I want to feel something for these people- like forgiveness or to be able to see it logically- that they are sick and need help- but I cant even do that. I want them to be miserable every day of their lives- and live with so much guilt- and feel 100x as bad as the people they abused feel. Deep down I wished I believed in the kind of reconciliation that Jesus talks about... and maybe it's possible... but I also don't like forgiveness and reconciliation- b.c to me, it feels like it's cheating- and justice isn't served, and these people just get away with horrific things they do- and then get forgiven and their slate wiped clean?? but maybe their consequence is dealing with the guilt and shame... I don't know.  I just know I love my friend so much. She is really amazing! 

I've been feeling pretty good since being home, but today I've felt really weird/sad/unsure/plus more... I think it's a combination of things. I've been working with my mom, which is good to make some money, but it's not challenging/interesting and it's really very few hours, plus it doesn't give me any experience... but it's something. I had my 2nd interview for the drop-in place yesterday and I think the interview went well. I should know by tomorrow, but I just have a feeling I won't get it- which I'm not taking that personally. I think there would be more qualified people to do that job- I applied for it as one of my "well, I might as well..." applications. I am taking it personally that I am getting no response from so many other places.... It's really messing with my head. Really. I'm also questioning my life- which I do every few months, and freak out for a few days, and then settle down. In some ways- I think it is good to do this- as it keeps me aware of myself and what I am doing with myself and what I want...but it's never fun or enjoyable to feel so discontent. So today is one of those days. I found a girl who I went to elementary school with on facebook and looked at her profile- and she is married with a baby- and beautiful as always- living in CA... and for some reason- every so often when I see people's profile's- I feel really sad and feel like my life is not as shiny and nice and full. and it really has nothing to do with the other people- it has to do with me and how I view myself and my life. I've thought about deleting these people and while that might make me feel better and resist looking at their profiles, it doesn't deal with the issues I have. I also was thinking today that elementary school was really scarring for me. I really think some of my insecurities and feelings of 'less-than'  and 'left out' come from that time and the kids and parents there- and what is more sad about it is- it was a Christian school... and I don't really know how to work through those things, b.c intellectually-it's all so petty and stupid, but at the heart level- it's still there and it doesn't make sense. So with seeing this girl and her life, I got to thinking about mine. Back in N. Ireland I felt like my life was yet to begin. And one day I felt like it had and I've never felt like it hadn't begun again.... but now I'm feeling like I'm running out of time- really running out. 

I really shouldn't have stayed up til 3am writing that blog... today I'm really tired.

I usually don't read the "please pray" posts and things on myspace... but I did tonight because my sister posted one. I reposted it and I am sending the message on... so please pray for Kaleb. This is one of the saddest things I have ever heard of in my life. He was shaken by his nanny/care person... here he is at 6 mo. he's so beautiful.. and the link is at the bottom.

Kaleb

myspace link

LOVE IT!! so great.